Well, this morning I was going to scream at you all about just how PISSED OFF I am, because half an hour ago I really really was. My head was filled to bursting with thoughts, I was getting a headache and my mind was trotting in very evil circles. I was at a "Don't-fret-I'll-sit-down-and-watch-the-G" stage. Followed by a "I-bet-there's-clips-on-youtube"
I have since put calming music on (It's Hayley Westenra, don't tell anyone! I don't listen to her normally, but this means I don't associate her with anything, and it's pretty relaxing) so you will now be subjected to stress by an unstressed person. actually, to you it'll be more or less the same but I assure you it feels weird...I'm going to scream at you all now to save me the trouble later, to get the vitrol out. Then I may go have a relaxing bath and listen to Classic FM.
Three things annoy me with the movie industry. One's the studio system (Fox in particular. How on earth could they cancel Firefly? It's one of the funniest, original, uncliched series I've ever seen and they cancelled it...didn't they even watch the show?!).
One's voiceover man. Occasionally I'm sane enough to laugh at him, but generally he just annoys me. The worst advert is A Good Woman, which makes me want to puke every time. Although it's not entirely his fault...it's the fault of the scriptwriter who thinks calling Lord Darlington an "international playboy" is either funny or correct, and the entire advert which lasts for two minutes and despite being based on an Oscar Wilde play, contains only half an Oscar Wilde line. Incedentally that line is "Crying is the refuge of plain women..." which the inspired writer tacks "pretty ones go shopping". Screams and spits in an abstract listening-to-easy-listening way. If they can fit that much of the original in the trailer, what can the film be like? I sincerely hope it's not representative.
And the last are movie spoilers. And this really annoys me. There was once a film I really wanted to see that now fills me with self loathing? Why? Because it makes me despise a friend? Why? Because despite reminding her not to spoil it several times, she felt the need to add "And it's really pretty at the end because she's dying and he...." thanks, mate.
That one wasn't worth losing a friend over. But in general I rank my food just below my films, and both above my friends, and I can very vivdly imagine falling out big time over some things. Like the three implied below:
There are 3 films which are above the normal want to watch catagory. These are absolute obsessions, and I know it's insane, but I've got to the dreaming about them stage and everything. Mad, but unavoidable. Did you know that one of them contains a twist ending? Some kind person told me what that was...unavoidably stumbling over a spoiler for the second while on an entirely unconnected site told me what was in store for the only two characters I know are in there (incedentally, thank you Empire for spoiling big time not one but two Godfather movies in under five words. Not just "so-and-so-does-this" but making an entire shock character arc...unshocking.) And the third? Well, folks, this one gets me the spitting maddest. I admit that it's a bit like knowing the horses head in the bed, or the shower scene is coming, but that doesn't make it acceptable? This film only has four characters, and I know what happens to the sum total of three of them!
It's really not fair...
Death warrant of the year goes to the random, evil LJ user who irresponsibly decided that no one would mind a screenshot of a major character bleeding to death on their user icon...
Hey, dude? I hate you big time...
Showing posts with label misery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label misery. Show all posts
I don't want to kill everybody, Tom. I just want to hurt them ALL, VERY VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Read User's Comments
I fell in love with a camera angle; the depths of cinematic despair
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Two reactions for you today, both as they stand straight after finishing a film...only...not. Hey, I'm lazy!
Once Upon a Time in the West - I tell you, I overreact generally but this takes the biscuit. I've been known to sigh over couples, kisses, heroic actions and sweet hairstyles, but this is possibly the only time I have sighed over a camera angle...yes, I know. Sergio Leone...he takes the principle of creating suspense by showing an empty room and streeeeeeeeeches it out to the limit. The famous 12 minute credit sequence, the longest in movie history: a large empty landscape where nothing is happening...cut to a man, doing nothing...another man, also doing nothing...the first man twitches...the second man looks up. On and on for 12 minutes, but do you know it works? It's not dull, I'm not pretentious - it's as riveting as anything and absolutely fabulous. It also goes some way towards explaining why the film's so long...it's long because of the silences, certainly not because of the padded script. IMDB says the original script length was 436 pages, which I find hard to believe unless it was dialogue free and all purple prose, in which case I can absolutely believe it. Oooh, what else to say? Ok, the plot is nothing special but I hardly noticed until dissecting it later. The music is superb - that wailing harmonica tune, and that really cool song which kicks in just after a homestead is entirely wiped of life. Ah yes, that's what I wanted to say! Frank...gee...he's the nastiest bad guy I've seen in a while. Hollywood does evil quite a lot, but they never do it properly. No Michael doesn't count, he's the anti-hero not the bad guy - and he never shot a child. There's quite rightly a taboo on kiddie-killing on screen, but that's not to say I don't want to see it broken more often...Harmonica has a perfect right to hate his guts. It's only my second Henry Fonda film, so I didn't suffer from the shock of seeing him be evil the way the rest of you supposedly did, but it must have been painful because he was bad enough as he was!
And then Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Spoilers be below (and possibly 1984 and Brazil, but not really):
I've seen it before. I've read Hamlet, I've read the title and the second half of the film is stuffed full of oblique clues to how it ends. That doesn't make it any less shocking every time it does. Like...I've been actually physically thumped in the gut. It's the Player's explanation of why it has to happen - "you are R&G. That is enough." It's Guildenstern's speech in return and the most horrible proof that fate can't be changed. And it's his speech just before...in pain, here, ok?
It's a bit like the end of 1984. Lord knows I know it's coming, but every time I read it I throw the book across the room and sit shivering in a corner. If ever I needed another reason not to see one of the various movie adaptions, then I could try being unable to attack the TV.
And did I mention Brazil?! I watched Brazil. And then I sat on my bed and didn't move for about five minutes (that's a record for me, OK guys?)
I'd ask what were all your favourite hopeless endings, but then again I wouldn't want them spoiled, and no one's listening anyway.
Once Upon a Time in the West - I tell you, I overreact generally but this takes the biscuit. I've been known to sigh over couples, kisses, heroic actions and sweet hairstyles, but this is possibly the only time I have sighed over a camera angle...yes, I know. Sergio Leone...he takes the principle of creating suspense by showing an empty room and streeeeeeeeeches it out to the limit. The famous 12 minute credit sequence, the longest in movie history: a large empty landscape where nothing is happening...cut to a man, doing nothing...another man, also doing nothing...the first man twitches...the second man looks up. On and on for 12 minutes, but do you know it works? It's not dull, I'm not pretentious - it's as riveting as anything and absolutely fabulous. It also goes some way towards explaining why the film's so long...it's long because of the silences, certainly not because of the padded script. IMDB says the original script length was 436 pages, which I find hard to believe unless it was dialogue free and all purple prose, in which case I can absolutely believe it. Oooh, what else to say? Ok, the plot is nothing special but I hardly noticed until dissecting it later. The music is superb - that wailing harmonica tune, and that really cool song which kicks in just after a homestead is entirely wiped of life. Ah yes, that's what I wanted to say! Frank...gee...he's the nastiest bad guy I've seen in a while. Hollywood does evil quite a lot, but they never do it properly. No Michael doesn't count, he's the anti-hero not the bad guy - and he never shot a child. There's quite rightly a taboo on kiddie-killing on screen, but that's not to say I don't want to see it broken more often...Harmonica has a perfect right to hate his guts. It's only my second Henry Fonda film, so I didn't suffer from the shock of seeing him be evil the way the rest of you supposedly did, but it must have been painful because he was bad enough as he was!
And then Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Spoilers be below (and possibly 1984 and Brazil, but not really):
I've seen it before. I've read Hamlet, I've read the title and the second half of the film is stuffed full of oblique clues to how it ends. That doesn't make it any less shocking every time it does. Like...I've been actually physically thumped in the gut. It's the Player's explanation of why it has to happen - "you are R&G. That is enough." It's Guildenstern's speech in return and the most horrible proof that fate can't be changed. And it's his speech just before...in pain, here, ok?
It's a bit like the end of 1984. Lord knows I know it's coming, but every time I read it I throw the book across the room and sit shivering in a corner. If ever I needed another reason not to see one of the various movie adaptions, then I could try being unable to attack the TV.
And did I mention Brazil?! I watched Brazil. And then I sat on my bed and didn't move for about five minutes (that's a record for me, OK guys?)
I'd ask what were all your favourite hopeless endings, but then again I wouldn't want them spoiled, and no one's listening anyway.
Bitter poetry
Saturday, March 25, 2006
So now I've calmed down a bit about this, let's be rational. It's only in the pipeline and may never happen.
You know, I spent quite a long time casting the Godfather remake for my own bitter, twisted amusement (Clooney is Vito! Bloom as Michael!), but it was rather petty and didn't really work.
I also turned to poetry, but it wasn't very good. Though as nobody reads my blog, it wouldnn't hurt to reprint it here:
While you're at it, also see the plans for Citizen Kane
Orson Welles' is a bad director
and it's so dull! Lets add a car chase, a few fart gags
and make Rosebud a siren in a red dress.
Casablanca's next in line
It's pretty dated too
She's a secret agent for the French resistance!
Let's add lots of steamy sex scenes!
I'm thinking about marketing
What about a special edition very expensive Battleship Potempkin pram?
A limited run pampering gift set with Fight Club soap?
A "here comes the Bride" Kill Bill Barbie for the kids?
Lets remake Zulu with Americans!
The Mission with Satanists!
The Birds with Aliens!
Schindlers List has such great comic potential...
You know, if we cut the fights, the force
The Death Star and the Jedi
Star Wars might be a half decent film.
OK, so it doesn't rhyme and I've seen only three of the movies referenced. However, I was in pain at the time and it was this or the vases hitting the wall. In retrospect, mass destruction might have been a better idea.
Hmmm...
Much better...
You know, I spent quite a long time casting the Godfather remake for my own bitter, twisted amusement (Clooney is Vito! Bloom as Michael!), but it was rather petty and didn't really work.
I also turned to poetry, but it wasn't very good. Though as nobody reads my blog, it wouldnn't hurt to reprint it here:
While you're at it, also see the plans for Citizen Kane
Orson Welles' is a bad director
and it's so dull! Lets add a car chase, a few fart gags
and make Rosebud a siren in a red dress.
Casablanca's next in line
It's pretty dated too
She's a secret agent for the French resistance!
Let's add lots of steamy sex scenes!
I'm thinking about marketing
What about a special edition very expensive Battleship Potempkin pram?
A limited run pampering gift set with Fight Club soap?
A "here comes the Bride" Kill Bill Barbie for the kids?
Lets remake Zulu with Americans!
The Mission with Satanists!
The Birds with Aliens!
Schindlers List has such great comic potential...
You know, if we cut the fights, the force
The Death Star and the Jedi
Star Wars might be a half decent film.
OK, so it doesn't rhyme and I've seen only three of the movies referenced. However, I was in pain at the time and it was this or the vases hitting the wall. In retrospect, mass destruction might have been a better idea.
Hmmm...
Much better...
Thursday, March 23, 2006
You all know me, I’m sure, as a nice calm…relaxed…unflappable person but WHY IN THE NAME OF HELL CAN ANYONE LET SUCH A TRAVESTY OF CINEMATIC JUSTICE TAKE PLACE?!?!??!?! WHY THE HELL COULD ANYBODY EVEN CONSIDER DOING ANY SUCH THING AS THIS AND I HATE THEM ALL SO MUCH!!!!
I could have handled anything else but this. I would have been peeved if they’d announced the Zulu remake. I’d have been amused if they’d announced the Godfather remake. But this really gets my goat and I WANT TO KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, why?! I spend my life watching good movies, yet in all my many years I have seen only one film which I would describe as “perfect”. Yes, more so than the Godfather! Great acting, script, direction, lighting, a wonderful plot which perfectly mixes humour with seriousness, that unbeatable chemistry and more than anything else the BEAUTY – that wonderful blend of browns which could never ever be replicated.
Robert Redford has confirmed it, and he says he’s “deeply disappointed”. I love that man. Fine, mostly because he’s good looking, and Sundance is incredible, and he supports independent film – and he knows exactly what all of the rest of us know, that this remake (I shame myself to call it film) is a waste of time and is going to be CRAP!
I want to cry. In fact, I think I’m going to. OMG I’m crying – this is how ticked off I am!
I haven’t told you the whole of it yet. Just to rub salt into the wound, who’s currently attached to such a project? George Clooney and Brad Pitt perhaps, ok chemistry in Ocean’s Eleven, and Pitt is pretty Redfordesque. How about…in fact, I can’t think of any other good pairings so lets’ cut straight to the chase and say that if I ever meet Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, I am going to knife them immediately. To stop the remake if I meet them first; to avenge the original if afterwards. Right now I feel I could actually do it.
http://www.bad-good.org/affleck.php Get the point?!
Can you imagine it…? Right now our heroes have abandoned their horse, are preparing to fight the enemy, our Ben suggests jumping into a river to escape and our Matt replies…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I can’t stand this. I’m going to shove my head down a toilet. Or theirs. Whichever is more convenient.
I could have handled anything else but this. I would have been peeved if they’d announced the Zulu remake. I’d have been amused if they’d announced the Godfather remake. But this really gets my goat and I WANT TO KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, why?! I spend my life watching good movies, yet in all my many years I have seen only one film which I would describe as “perfect”. Yes, more so than the Godfather! Great acting, script, direction, lighting, a wonderful plot which perfectly mixes humour with seriousness, that unbeatable chemistry and more than anything else the BEAUTY – that wonderful blend of browns which could never ever be replicated.
Robert Redford has confirmed it, and he says he’s “deeply disappointed”. I love that man. Fine, mostly because he’s good looking, and Sundance is incredible, and he supports independent film – and he knows exactly what all of the rest of us know, that this remake (I shame myself to call it film) is a waste of time and is going to be CRAP!
I want to cry. In fact, I think I’m going to. OMG I’m crying – this is how ticked off I am!
I haven’t told you the whole of it yet. Just to rub salt into the wound, who’s currently attached to such a project? George Clooney and Brad Pitt perhaps, ok chemistry in Ocean’s Eleven, and Pitt is pretty Redfordesque. How about…in fact, I can’t think of any other good pairings so lets’ cut straight to the chase and say that if I ever meet Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, I am going to knife them immediately. To stop the remake if I meet them first; to avenge the original if afterwards. Right now I feel I could actually do it.
http://www.bad-good.org/affleck.php Get the point?!
Can you imagine it…? Right now our heroes have abandoned their horse, are preparing to fight the enemy, our Ben suggests jumping into a river to escape and our Matt replies…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I can’t stand this. I’m going to shove my head down a toilet. Or theirs. Whichever is more convenient.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)