We are our own worst enemy – a trip through every sci fi I've ever seen,

Hello all. Today I thought I'd treat you to an approximate rendition of the conversation that took place over tea last night, and takes place most evenings. Abbreviations: D for dad, M for mum, A for my littler sister and E for me. Yeh, in case you hadn't noticed, Ninquelosse isn't my real name.

(Demi-trivia quiz of the week. I was delighted to see a 2005 film named after two of my three names- but wasn't my sort of thing at all, so I didn't see it. Still considering buying the poster though. Anyway, if anyone's good at recent films with girls names in the titles, guess away...)

And for those of you who eagerly spotted the title and are desperately interested in it, it is down there honest. Under my script. I won't be able to post all that frequently at the moment, so I thought I'd get everything I need to say down at once.

INT DINNER TABLE EVENING

D: So, what shall we do this evening?
E: We're going to sit down and watch a film
D: OK, what do you want to watch?
E: Don't ask me, you always ask me and I'm the only one who doesn't care.
D: Mum?
M: Well, I'd like to see the Madness of King George
A: Nooo, it's boring!
E: How can you tell, you haven't seen it. You liked Kung Fu Hustle (thinks: but I'm not sure she's going to like this)
M: Yeh, it's a lot of fun!
E: Is it?!
A: No thanks, I've got other stuff to do.
M: Well I don't want to see it unless we all sit down to watch.
A: But I don't want to. There's no point in me watching it if I've got better stuff to do...
D: Well, what do you want to watch?
A: Well, you know, like lots of stuff but you packed the DVDs
E: I could find it for you pretty quickly. They're still in catagories (note: I arranged our collection minutely. Outrageous sci fi -> quirky sci fi (includes Kaufmann movies) -> scary sci fi -> scary films (in order of scaryness) -> horror comedies -> comedies (in order of hilarity) -> Charlies Angels, Tomb Raider etc. You get the idea.)
M: What do you want to watch?
A: I dunno, other stuff
E: Try watching King George, you might like it.
A: (strop!) No, its not fair, I've been working so hard...*chorus of protests* I've been working so hard and I haven't had any time!
D: except when you were on the internet this morning.
A: That's not the point! We never see things that I want to watch! (note: probably true)
M: Well suggest something!
D: What about Narnia (note: nobody really wants to watch it at this time)
A: Yeh, fine, whatever.
D: You want to see that, don't you E? (note: not right now, but I don't want to cause a fuss) What about you Mum?
M: Well yes, don't worry about me, I'll just fall asleep
A: No, you guys watch something, I've got packing to do (note: typical Mum vs A attack. One gives in, followed by the other immediately giving in. Is vastly more annoying when they're both on the offensive...)
M: I don' t want to watch without everyone
A: Yes, but I don't like dreary period dramas!
E: You liked Master and Commander
A: That was different, it had action!
E: No it didn't - it was just four hours of them sailing slowly (note: hyperbole never hurts) It was as sober as you get.
A: That's not the point, there's no hot guys threatening people in this (note: she means Jack from Lost)
E: Well there wasn't in Master and Commander
A: Yes there was.
E: OK, I admit Paul Bettany was pretty dishy...
A: Exactly!
E: Well why don't you give this a go. I'll find you a hot guy in a tailcoat. Just watch the first 10 minutes.
A: They'res no point, I won't like it.
M: That's what you said about Muriel's Wedding and you enjoyed that.
A: No I didn't, I wrote in my notebook.
D: Well lets watch Narnia then.
M: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE NARNIA. *Mum and dad start tidying. Yeh, I'm bad, I dn't help. I normally do. Today I'm on a mission...*
E: Alright, everybody, here's the news (thinks: Oooh, nice quotery, lets watch Reservoir Dogs. My sister will love that...*SARCASM*). You watch just the beginning, and if you don't get into it go and do your packing, ok?
M: But I don't want to see it if she's going to go away.
(At this point, the same silly arguments circle until finally, A storms from the room. )

INT KITCHEN JOINED TO THE DINING ROOM NIGHT (but getting close to morning XD)
D: So, we going to watch King George.
M: No, because I don't want to see it without her. I don't know, call her back in - you see something you three want to watch. (note: see the classic Mum vs A attack here again)
E: But she's stormed off now
M: Call her back in, I don't mind, I'll go to sleep anyway. (E thinks: you should have said this, like, to begin with?)
E: We can't get her back.
M: There's no point just us three watching.
(icy, Pinter-like silence. I've been reading The Birthday Party in English - my teacher, who is wasted in a school instead of the stage, insists on pinching the best roles, which in this case is Goldberg. And he always forgets to drop out of character, which makes for disturbing lessons.)
E: Dad. Lets watch Leon. (note: something with just me and him)
(continues half heartedly to berate family for being pathetic, and swears to watch stuff on her own TV when she gets one. Nobody takes this too seriously, which is fair enough as it was only half meant.)

INT LOUNGE FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
D: So what shall we watch?
E: DONT ASK ME.
M: Well I shall fall asleep regardless (E thinks: WE KNOW)
(time passes. D takes Woody Allen boxed set off shelf)
D: So, E, do you want to see slightly silly, very silly or artisticly amusing?
E: I DONT CARE...

INT LOUNGE TWO HOURS OR SO LATER
(A reenters having done something mind numbing elsewhere)
A: oh, what were you watching?
E: Manhattan.
A: OH! I wanted to see that...


Harsh, but true. Not 100% correct, but the progression of dimwit ideas is about there. And this happens. Every night. I come off in a good light in that script, which probably isn't fair. But it is true I very rarely have an opinion on what to see. Compare that with the 2 minutes it took us to move house (I say us, I wasn't really included. The downside of being happy to agree and compromise is that when you really have an opinon, no one listens to it.). Pathetic. And by the by, I know perfectly well my family read this blog , and it doesn't bother me at all. Perhaps you can have a think about this next time we settle on a film...

In other news...

2007. The first film I saw this year was Two Towers, which of course I've seen hundreds of times before. And I was reminded exactly how wonderful it was. If I revealed to you the name of the first film I saw this year for the first time, my life would be in great peril. I don't know how many of my friends read this, but better safe than sorry. It was absolutely brilliant, if that narrows it down a bit.

Anyway, I saw 2001:A Space Odyssey a few days later, on the recommendation of the same English teacher as I mentioned above. Now he's a bit of a Kubrick nut, and I've had the same conversation with him four times now trotting through the director's resume. Anyway, he lent me the tape because he thought it would be good for my film club.

*cough*. Now I thought it was a fantastic film. But it didn't strike me as that appealing for 12 year olds. Especially as these twelve year olds also had no interest in Strictly Ballroom. I've given up on the club, by the by. Too much heartache. But back to the film...

Fantastic, in a word. The point of decent direction is to convey the right emotions, right? The cinematography really suited space. It's never felt colder, emptier, quieter. If ever I leave the planet, this film is exactly what I expect it to feel like.

Now I’m pretty fond of surreal, confusing films, and a nose for working them out, but what the hell was that about?! I was up to speed riiight up until the Fantasia bit. Then I got lost. I thought it was great, but I didn’t understand it one bit.

It did, however, make me think about sci-fi. It comes in two breeds. The first just happens to be set in space – Flash Gordon and Star Wars are fantasy, Alien is horror, Serenity is a western of sorts. Logan’s Run seems more like a fascist allegory to me. Now according to me dad, the mark of “proper” sci-fi is a plot feature which couldn’t work anywhere else but the future. For example, Minority Report depends on the impossible ability to see the future. Well, it’s an idea which usually works, although it does mean things like Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy and Back to the Future qualify for the label “serious sci-fi”.

As far as I see it, sci fi is always asking a question. Frequently this is a “what if”, creating a slightly alternate reality to the one today. So in the case of Minority Report, “What would happen if we could look into the future?” But ultimately and most often, probably because sci-fi always creates a more machine-dependant society, that question is “what does it mean to be human?”. All those tricky issues raised by morality vs. technology. Can you arrest someone for what they’re going to do? (Minority Report again). Is it ok to kill robots if they’re virtually human? (See Blade Runner for details)

That’s why humans screwing things up is such a key theme – in real sci-fi, we are under threat from our own mistakes. Emotion (that which makes us human) is our greatest weakness, compared to cold, but perfect, mechanics. In a sci fi world, we are proud, warlike and plain dim most of the time. We don’t think through the consequences of our actions properly and tamper with things we don’t understand. In The Matrix we destroy the planet, and create the bad guys. I, Robot wades around the same mud puddle of us creating technology we can’t control. Even in Plan 9 from Outer Space, the greatest threat to the universe is man and his capability to destroy. It's interesting to note that the first thing the apes do in 2001 after "becoming" human is viciously attack another set of monkeys.

In fact, we the human race always come off looking terrible. We seem total nazis most of the time…

What a digression. What a lot of bold type. What a lot of time I’ve just wasted, quoting every sci-fi film I’ve ever seen instead of finishing my film studies coursework. What a pity. Back to 2001, though, it seems very aimless and random unless you grasp the whole humanity thing (which I didn’t until about half way through). The three strands –monkeys becoming men, HAL the very sweet, sentient computer and the possibility of life on other planets – all come together around that question.

Now I returned the video to my teacher, and told him I was disbanding the club (not that we ever had more than four members at any one time anyway), and asked him what the hell happend in the last ten minutes. This is more or less what he said:

Arthur C. Clark's book is based on Nitsche (spelt wrong, I know) a vaguely Nazi
philosopher who had this idea Hitler really liked about the three sorts of
people. The Untermenschen (i.e. Jewish people), the Menschen (normal peeps) and the Ubermenschen (i.e. the Aryan race). In 2001 this is represented by the monkeys, the men and the stuff at the end. So it's about evolution - the black rock heralds the switch from Untermensch to Mensch for the monkeys. And at the end, we see it again.

Dave has passed into this luxury place, the best humankind has to offer. But he is still human - hence he breaks the glass, he still has our weaknesses. Then the black rock appears again and WHOOSH (my teacher didn't quite use that word...) we evolve into a greater mode of being, ubermenschen, freed from bodily constraints. Hence the starchild at the end.

All nice psychobabble and tosh there for enhancing your viewing experience. On a more mundane note, I loved the cool effects created by the magnetic boots and lack of gravity. The waitress in the tunnel may be one of my favourite cinematic "wow" moments ever. In fact, films like this are precicely what cinema was invented for.

The rest of me watching so far? Well, as I was away for xmas, I present opened last week. Lots of DVD shaped boxes. The best of the bunch -

• Kung Fu Hustle

(seen. OMG. Present from Friend 4, whose comments were "I thought you'd like it" and "redefines cheerfully violent". One scene had me laughing so hard...)

Leon (From my grandmother of all people. I open it and beam. My mother sees it, frowns and asks if its strictly suitable...)

When Harry Met Sally

Ferris Whatever's Day Off

Night Watch

The Wizard of Oz (From Friend 3. She bought it for me after discovering I'd never seen it. She told my class, who were similarly shocked. She got me the special 2 disc edition with a box which sings the theme tune and glows when you press it. I used it to cause havoc at school)

The Reservoir Dogs 2007 calender. (Nuff said. I told my sister I wanted it, and she extracted a Lost-related promise in return for getting it. Unsuprisingly, I sacrificed my scruples in exchange for the wonderful thing. It's exactly what a movie tie-in calender should be - lots of pictures! They've even managed to find 12 swear word free quotes, quite a feat! Only problem I've had is putting it up. It's not exactly what I'd call a spoiler free calender. Or a gore-free one.)

A small yellow fluffy bear (Friend 5 gave me this. It's not particularly significant, aside from the fact I've named it Creasy. Spot the film reference that proves if I'm old enough to see the film, I'm probably also to old for fluffy bears...)

Grosse Pointe Blank (Seen this! Apart from the fact it was blatantly channeling Pulp Fiction in places, I adored it.)

Some other stuff I've forgotten but will add when I remember.

Only other significant event so far this year is watching Tombstone, which I also loved.

Finally, I've made a new friend and a new enemy. And the same film is to blame for both. What happened was this: everyone else was out, and as you do (and I do more than you), I watched a film on account of being lonely and bored. Just so you understand how cross I get, the film was
Reservoir Dogs, which I loved as much as ever.

Half way through, the phone rings. I say half way - probably 2/3. It was a few minutes after Mr Orange had made his comment about being interrupted during Lost Boys. I sulkily paused the film, and answered it. Her name is Sophie from Swoffers and she wanted to talk to my parents. I said they weren't in, but would be back in about two hours. Now actually, they were going to be back in about an hour, but I didn't want her calling back before I'd finished. Selfish, but I really needn't have bothered. She evidently wasn't listening, as she certainly didn't wait that long.

In fact, she called 40 seconds from the end. If you've seen the film, you'll understand why this got me a bit wound up. So I paused, told her they still weren't back, and was so well behaved and didn't say half the things I wanted to. I put the phone down, watched the tiny end slither and then planned how best to nuke her house.

I was pretty unjust in my wrath the first time, I confess. But the second time no-oo!

And my friend? Well this is friend in more of a Mr White/Orange sense of the word a.k.a. we don't actually know each other that well. She's a Tim Roth fan who wants a second brain to chat about her Reservoir Dogs term paper in a serious way. Guess who she asked? My prayers have been answered. XD.


Apologies for excruciatingly long post. Read it in chunks and pretend I posted over several days...

The most Foul of the Foul words!

A few months back, I had a go at the hilarious Christian Movie Ministry for being just plain outrageous. Here's that particular bit of mockery.

I showed the page to my friends, who all agreed with me...even Friend 3, who is a Christian. Friend 1 pointed out that swearing was referred to as "the three/four letter word vocabulary" with the exception of "the most foul of the foul words". What's that, we wondered? Something really, really bad. Though not too bad, for (as my mother pointed out), if they can use it 29 times in Kill Bill it mustn't be too shocking...

Now I was raised as a bewy good child, and so my vocabulary of naughty words is bewy small. And me and Friend 1 couldn't for the life of me think what it could be. Neither could my other friends, or my parents. So we came to the conclusion there was only one thing we could do...we'd have to watch it and count.

Sad eh? Any excuse, really...Friend 1 doesn't like films, which is fair enough. But when I do see something that makes me happy, I always want to share it with somebody, so it's a shame as well. Anyway, as Kill Bill is kinda eastern-y, I'm hoping she'll enjoy it. I've been prewarned by my father that it's "a bit rubbish", which is also fair enough.

Hopefully, she'll arrive in about an hour. All we've then got to do is split the predictable swear words, and try not to get caught up in the film and forget to tally...

Afterwords

Well we divided the words randomly as we went along. I had to keep tally of ****(only 15?!) and *****, while Friend 1 counted the *************. Unfortunately, we came to the conclusion that "the foulest of the most foul words" was a catagory, and not anything in particular...

And the film? Oh, fab. You can't go far wrong with a director who makes movies that are both fun to watch and technically impressive. We must have been quite a sight - Friend 1 was gooing at the samuri swords, while I was going squishy for the camera angles. My father thought the plot was ho-hum - well, yes, but it's snakes on a plane really. She's got a hit list with five people on it. She goes and hits. That's about it. But she does it with such style...special shout out for the anime sequence...some of the best art I've ever seen. In fact, the whole movie was virtually live action anime.

Afterwards, I counted up the kills...I think the final score was about 20 confirmed (8 at the church, 2 in the hospital, Gogo, Vernita, O-ren herself and 7 in her flashbacks), with up to 87 more...all in all, I've been a bit violenced out this week. Nothing but Disney until I recover.

God bless Hollywood America, everyone!

Last night I watched Air Force One. It was utter rubbish. Worse than Snakes on a Plane. Honest. Below, I dissect the plot in grusome detail. I'm issuing a general spoiler warning, I'll black out anything vital but basically read at your peril...after all, it's not as if this is an obvious plot railroading to a natural conclusion...ps, I mean no disrespect to the American or Russian people down there. In fact, I don't mean any disrespect to anyone. Don't be insulted...unless you wrote the script...or the score...in which case change your names and leave the country now.

I'm not criticising Bush here, honest. He's doing a hard job far better than I ever could...but what America really needs is president like Jack Marshall, aka Harrison Ford. Why, he can both fly and rewire aircraft, kill people with wheely stools and wingle handedly liberate beleagured aircraft!

Anyway, from the first instant of credits the music sets the tone - God bless, everyone. Listen hard to that tune, because you'll be watching it come down the corner minutes ahead of time for the rest of the movie. It starts with a bunch of paratroopers - dressed in black,with their faces blacked out so nobody sees them at night - floating down on bright white parachutes which only an idiot could miss. They kidnap someone, escape by helicopter and then there's an explosion. Because people like explosions; it makes them buy more popcorn.

Then we meet the hero. You can tell he's a good guy because he's American, looks like Harrison Ford and concerned about refugees. He gives a speech which would, say, justify a war in Iraq (cue stirring music) before flying home on his uber-snazzy airplane. He goes inside and we meet Alice. Alice is the president's sweet little daughter, who would just love to accompany her daddy to see refugee camps because she's a big girl now. Gee, you don't think she's gonna be placed in any danger later on, do you?

Heroguy goes and confides in his wife, who obviously isn't one of Harrison Ford's fans. If she was, she'd know that unpleasant things tend to happen to his on-screen partners and he has a cinematic history of rescuing them. She tells him Alice can't be his little girl forever, she has to grow up sometime. I think this means Wife approves of rich-spoilt-first-daughter ogling disadvantaged refugees...

While the president relaxes, some baddies get on board. You can tell they're baddies because they're Russian, they all have funny accents and one of them is Gary Oldman - on terrifically scary form, may I add. In fact, he is this film's sole redeeming feature - he actually looks SAD when comrades get killed and HAPPY, GENUINELY HAPPY when things go his way. Not many baddies do that. It's a joy to watch the man act...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, mocking the plot. Riiiight...while the pilots prepare for takeoff and security mistakenly lets Russians onto the plane in their zeal to check for snakes, we are introduced to a number of nameless, non-vital cannon fodder, all of whom will perish heroically in the next 90 minutes.

The pilots start countdown - cue stirring music (PS -"What's the vector, Victor?" "Rodger, Rodger" "How's our clearance, Clarence?") Surprise surprise, when the plane is ten minutes in the air it is hijacked by RUSSIANS! Wow! There are Russians on the plane! Baddie Russians! Nobody saw that coming! Lots of people get shot at but it's ok becase they're not important. All you need to know is the president gets away in the escape pod, and his family dont. They're busy being threatened.

It is at this point, the baddie talks to the White House and utters the best line in the film - "When you talk to the President, you might remind him that I am holding his wife, his daughter, his chief of staff, his national security advisor, his classified papers - and his baseball glove!" That's the way to do it!

The Vice President, sporting facial expressions #2 and #6 (grim resiliance and fragile strength - cue stirring music whenever she speaks), sends out a rescue mission to pick up the escape pod, open the doors when...shock horror he isn't there. What a surprise. Gee, nobody expected him to stay on the plane, did they? I certainly wouldn't.

For the next, oooh, fourty minutes he skulks in the basement and randomly kills whoever goes downstairs. A bit like the snakes, really. I kept getting the urge to shout "don't go down there you might be got by the snakes!" when I remembers there were no snakes on this plane.

He then searches through the suitcases and finds a mobile phone. All hail the mobile. This small device is an anchor to reality. The strange laws of logic which operate at altitude has no effect on the mystic device. Which is why when he phones to White House, they assume he's a prankster. Thank goodness for the sense of the thing.

President-dude decides to force a landing by dumping the fuel. Here's the basics - you've got to snap two of five wires and cross them. Easy, eh? Unfortunately, as he's relying on the Realism Mobile, the battery fails while a good electrics guy explains which wires to cut. So he's there with a broken green wire and a 3/4 chance of screwing up and killing everybody. What do you do? Well, you certainly don't look at the bundle and say "red, white and blue...I'm counting on you...", dismissing them as lucky and cutting the yellow wire.

It appears that probability is not acting as a factor...against ALL THE ODDS the plane does not crash and all is well. My my. Cue stirring music.

Then we go back to killing whoever enters the basement. Meanwhile, the Russians are randomly killing hostages to prove they're bad guys and the audience is screaming WHERE'S AGENT FLYNN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!

I think it's here they activate the autopilot. I can't find a picture of Otto from Airplane!, but it'd be a lot funnier if I inserted one here instead of telling you I wish I could don't you think?

I've got to admit the plan to get the hostages off the plane is pretty clever. Well done everyone. Though I laughed when Hero ran through the door, handing one of the guns to a traitor. Absolutely great. Though the president refuses to go without his family. Again. And some of his friends say "We stay with the president". Cue stirring music!

Finally, Head Baddie realises THE PRESIDENT IS STILL ON THE PLANE! Then comes a pretty fun scene where Hero and Villian share the screen, and they snarl at each other for a bit.

Meanwhile on the ground, the Vice President (cue stirring music) tells the people to pray for him (cue stirring music) and a candlelit vigil takes place outside the White House (cue stirring music).

Quite frankly I blanked the next bits out. But I think the President decided he'd had it with these m********** Russians on his m********** plane, and killed them all. Cue stirring music.

Now all the bad guys are dead! All is well! Only it's not, because there are Migs! Oh no, more danger! But luckily, someone has been watching their Top Gun and knows all a plane has to do to avoid being hit is keep them off your tail. Even if you're flying a massive three story jet. And heroguy has already said it's ok if the plane gets hit. Anyway, they dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge until the F-14s come to the rescue. But oh no! The Migs have fired a missile and this time, the jet can't dodge it. Why?! This is never satisfactorily explained, nor does it matter because one plucky fighter pilot is ready to do His Duty for His Country and dives in front of the missile.

I kid you not.

The loss of that man was a serious blow to the world. He decided he'd give his life for the plane AND managed to undertake a complicated manouver AND judged it perfectly, in under a half second. He's a total genius. The remaining pilots salute the Hero, who salutes back. Cue stirring music.

And all is well. Only it's not, because OH NO the aircraft is damaged. So they have to get people from AF1 to another airplane via a zipwire. Easy, eh? Only it's not, because OH NO the plane's getting too low and it's going to crash! So the Hero tries to get someone else across in his place (cue stirring music), but OH NO traitor dude wants the last trip and he's just shot someone and this is taking up time in which all three of them could have escaped. But don't worry, as AF1 crashes, Hero-guy grabs the wire and is hauled to safety! THE ANGST! THE DRAMA! THE THEME TUNE! Credits roll. Wasn't that fun...

Not that I'm saying it's a bad film. Well ok I am sayng it's a bad film, but it could have been worse. I can forgive any amount of idiocy, but never boredom. If this is your type of thing, then you're going to love it - tense, exciting...just don't think about it too hard, and don't watch it with someone who hates America because they'll have a field day. I found a nice post on imdb from an American pointing out that they hate cheesily obnoxious films like this as much as the rest of the world.

The best way to view this film, methinks, is as a piece of Communist propaganda. Because obviously there's a lot of outrageous patriotism from the American quarter, but try watching it as an anti-American celebration of plucky terrorists in a desperate fight for the motherland and it certainly takes an interesting shade.

In other news, today's Film Studies was the best lesson ever. We had the last three presentations - No 1 discussed Mel in the cornfields in Signs (yay! Good choice, great film), no 2 the scene on the road in Constantine (when they end up next to the glowing Mary statue - love that bit, and the way it all flickers and dies), no 3 Somebody's overdose from Pulp Fiction (I'm not complaining, but it was an odd choice. Good, but I certainly didn't spot any stagy-cinematics I could have commented on. You really need someone like Brian de Palma, or M. Night where it's really obvious.)

A SPECIaL MessAGE!

This morning, I recieved a very special email, and I'm going to share it with you because I am so enlightened and blessed by it, and because I want to spread the good news so you too can join THE CIRCLE.

If that's OK by you.






Hello.

Finally, a service that's unique and deeply needed. The Spiritual Cinema Circle, founded by Producer & Director Stephen Simon, has created a very inexpensive way to bring hours of inspiring entertainment into your life each month. Groovy...

The membership for The Spiritual Cinema Circle, www.SpiritualCinemaCircle.Com/Go, has grown at an unprecedented rate, and you'll see why when you take a peak.
Ex-quease me? Baking powder? Where exactly am I to take this "peak". I don't even have a "peak". The nearest thing we have to a mountain is the mound my grandmother's garden gnome lives on. And she'd be so upset if we deprived it of its home...

Here's a special message for you from Stephen Simon, Producer of the films "Somewhere in Time" and "What Dreams May Come", Producer/Director of "Indigo" and co-founder of The Circle......hang on, The Circle? What's this, a cinematic cult? I wanna join! PS - why haven't I heard of any of these films?

Dear Friend, Aw, thank you. A special message? For me? How kind of him to take time out of his...busy schedule to email me personally.

Before now, hardly anyone got to see the best movies made each year. Now, by joining The Spiritual Cinema Circle, you'll see movies that will warm your heart, expand your mind, and stir your soul...without leaving home. I invite you to join me, Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Sylvia Browne, Neale Donald Walsch, James Tywman and others in a very special program: The Spiritual Cinema Circle. Question: who on earth are these people! Googling the names, I see they're all self-helping, psychic-reading, cult-founding cinema fans. Excellent...

It's very simple! Oh good!

Here's how it works:

Each month you receive 4 features and shorts on DVD. The movies are personally selected by me and my team. These movies represent the best of spiritual cinema and art. Gee whizzy! How fantastic...

The movies are new films you're unlikely to see anywhere else. I wonder why this is?

The DVDs are yours to keep. You don't have to return them. In fact, you're encouraged to share them with friends and family, in order to broaden the worldwide Spiritual Cinema community.
The cost of the service is kept deliberately low, so the maximum number of people can participate. If you join now, you pay the new member rate of only $21 per month instead of the regular $29 fee (plus $3.95 shipping and handling; outside USA $7.95). Deliberately low...$28.95...one DVD...per-lease.

There's no risk - you may cancel your membership at any time. And remember, you never have to return any of your DVDs, even if you decide to cancel your membership. Oh thank goodness! Because if I never want to see another spiritual film ever again, keeping the ones I have already will be my first priority.

If, like me, you love movies, but you find it harder and harder to go to theaters because of the violence, emptiness and overall lack of quality and imagination that most of the current crop represents, The CIRCLE is a wonderful opportunity. "Most of the current crop", presumably not including his own films...ps, I like violent films...

www.SpiritualCinemaCircle.Com/Go

Did You Enjoy WHALERIDER or WHAT THE BLEEP?
NO!

I loved these films, and felt grateful that so many people got to enjoy them. There are many films as beautiful as WHALERIDER and as thought-provoking as WHAT THE BLEEP made each year, but almost nobody gets to see them.
Erm, no. So few people saw WHALERIDER that it was actually nominated for Oscars. Crime.

Remember how you felt when you saw FIELD OF DREAMS, GHOST or TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY?
Nope, cos I haven't actually seen any of them...

I want you to see the hidden treasures, the films that are just as moving as those classics of spiritual cinema. Aw, thank you, even if I disagree that Whalerider and Ghost are classics under any criteria...

As a result of my connections in the film industry and my talks at film festivals and venues around the world, I get to see wonderful movies every year that hardly anybody else gets to enjoy. I'm not exaggerating when I say that some of the best movies made every year go virtually unseen. I'm touched. No, seriously.The tears are streaming down my face. Thank you and God bless, Mr Stephen Simon.

The major distributors won't touch the most heartful, soul-satisfying movies (just like Hannah. You remember Hannah don't you?), because they don't think there's enough money in it for them, and even the independent distributors often overlook quality films.(For good reason. If they're anything like Hannah) Remember, the mainstream movie business literally runs as much on popcorn-sales as ticket-sales. Big, violent action movies bring in audiences that eat those huge $7 boxes of popcorn and those 32-ounce $4 cups of soft drinks. That's why theater-owners want them, and that's why Hollywood makes them. How about quality violent action movies? Do they count?

The movies you'll see as a member of The CIRCLE are made with love and passion. They're not made just to sell popcorn. Aw...

Here's how you can give yourself hours of wonderful entertainment every month, make a statement about what kind of a world you want to live in, and make a real difference in how spiritually-empowering entertainment is distributed by demonstrating how big the worldwide spiritual cinema community really is. ...come again...(try saying that five times real fast...)

www.SpiritualCinemaCircle.Com/Go

You may be asking "What movies will I get to see?" You may well ask...

Joining the Spiritual Cinema Circle opens the door to a new world. You'll see movies with all the great themes of spiritual cinema:

Life after life Oooooh!
Enhanced powers and sensibilities Aaaaaah!
Reality and time Wow!
Visionary romance and adventures Swooon!
The power of love Geeeee!
Movies with Heart and Movies with Soul Movies with soul...Sister Act....

That's gotta be Donnie Darko, right?

You'll get to see award-winning movies that you would probably never see otherwise. Hang on...award winning...so somebody must have seen them, right? Oh thankie goodness! I thought you and your specially selected team would simply pluck the brainwash-classics from your back catalogue. My mistake.

In fact, your subscription will give you access to films each month that only attendees of Film Festivals around the world get to see - and you never have to leave home! What if the post arrives when you're out and the postman takes the DVDs back to the depot. Then you'll have to sign one of those green forms and collect it!

You'll also get to see wonderful shorter films. Great...wonderful short films...these wouldn't also happen to be heartwarming, would they?

Many of the best movies made every year are under an hour long, and almost nobody gets to see them. (what a pity) If you think Hollywood 's prejudiced against spiritual cinema, it's nothing compared with the prejudice against shorter movies. (How can that be?! It's shocking, what with such excellent examples of the genre such as Hannah about...) That's unfortunate, because many great movies are made each year that never get seen due to being only an hour or a half-hour long. Apart from those Oscar nominated shorts, right dude?

There are lots of evenings when I don't have time to watch a feature-length movie. That's when I really feel blessed, because I have access to wonderful, deeply-moving films I can see in under an hour. Wow! What a great idea! I don't have time to watch a long film, so I'll watch a shorter film instead! Genius! I had not thought of that!

Movies that inspire, heal and transform our lives

Each movie you receive is selected for its spiritual and psychological depth (a.k.a. brainwashing...) and its value in enriching your life (yeh, it'll make me realise how all these years I've been alone, how all I need to do is give Reverend Moon my life savings and all will be well...)

In addition to movies, you'll get my newsletter, full of reviews and useful information about the new world of spiritual cinema. Just what I've always wanted.

Play it forward, plant it forward

The CIRCLE is a wonderful new way to advance the cause of spiritual cinema. When you receive your DVDs each month, you're encouraged to "Play it forward" by inviting friends and family into The CIRCLE to watch the movies with you. (As a special bonus, and to offset any environmental impact of sending your DVDs each month, The CIRCLE will plant a tree in your honor when you become a member of the community. Your membership becomes a way to "Plant it forward" as well as "Play it forward").
Oh please....environmental issues caused by sending a monthly DVD? Wow, they're going to plant me a tree! I wonder if I'll get a photo of it?

You are helping us start an evolution - with your eyes and ears. Whooooooa! An evolution?! What's going to happen - do we all develop extra ocular powers to allow us to see in spiritual 3D?

It's a special kind of evolution, one that you can enjoy in your living room. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I don't wanna die! If I watch their films, my ears are gonna evolve!!!!!!

Evolution...hmmm...gee, this wouldn't eventually result in me appreciating all sorts of short films, would it? You know...films like Hannah...

I hope you will join me in showing Hollywood how big the worldwide spiritual cinema community really is. Yeah! The masses will evolve! The students will build barricades! Forth the evolution!In the name of Reverend Moon!

I hope you'll join me in saying NO to endless recycled, unimaginative films and YES to inspiring, moving spiritual cinema. ...I'll think about it...

That's it! Yeah!

For less than the cost of three tickets to the latest Nightmare On Elm Street sequel #18 or Die Hard Version 37, you get at least three entertaining Spiritual Cinema experiences every month - and never have to send anything back....even if you want to...


PLUS, you are contributing to the growth of spiritual cinema in the world. By encouraging filmmakers to make more of the kind of movies you and I want to see, you have a direct influence on the future of the industry. Oh, absolutely...

www.SpiritualCinemaCircle.Com/Go

Here's what one of our (2) subscribers has to say about The Spiritual Cinema Circle:
"These movies really have (not) been fantastic. It is (not) an incredible deal for $21 a month (plus S&H), and it can('t) make a change in the world by promoting something different than the usual fare of violence and special effects (however it can make profits for the director dude). These movies have real depth (like Hannah), real meaning (like Hannah), real people in them (like Hannah), and can touch something spiritual and awaken it (like Hannah?!), where special effects movies leave one numb (with awe). I am showing them to groups of people, holding a Spiritual Cinema Night once a month on the third Friday(when there is a full moon, at witching hour). Response has been great! I encourage you to join. (OK, where is it held? Deepest darkest Peru per chance?)”

Join the Circle today. Start to receive your new subscription within the next 30 days. You'll be so glad you did. I better be......

Warmest thoughts, And spiritual guidance

Stephen Simon
(co-deity of the Peruivan Llamas for Jesus movement)
www.SpiritualCinemaCircle.Com/Go

P.S. We respect your privacy. Which is why you emailed me out of the blue without invitation. If you would rather not receive the occasional email, simply reply with Unsubscribe in Subject line. Thank you.






He was on to a loser all along. I like violent films. And as much as I want my soul enriched...well if that implies piano-drenched, soppy shorts about the heartwarming bond between grandmother and grandaughter...I'll give it a miss.

I checked out the site:

http://www.spiritualcinemacircle.com/Public/Welcome/index.cfm

You can even listen to a recorded message from Mr Stephen Simon himself.

I agree with his point that the films we watch influence us, but I'm willing to take the risk.

Though I'm tempted. I want a look at "7 Ways to Make Every Spiritual Cinema Movie You Watch a Truly Sacred Experience" Driller Killer. Spiritual. That's gotta be worth a go.

The Christian classification system...

Read it and weep. I'm very tolerant of Christianity. Lots of my best friends are Christians, and perhaps I would be if I was able to keep in the same mindset for more than one week. I agree with the peace-and-harmony bit, and defend it as I do anyone's faith in arguments.

But OMG...

Sometimes, just sometimes little things tick me off.

This site is one of them:

http://www.capalert.com

Yes, it's a bit hard to navagate but persevere because it is surely one of the best film resources on the web. Let's see what it says about Fellowship of the Ring:

• multiple exceptionally graphic attacks by unholy beings, including by thousands of creeping beings with much impalement (do you remember that bit? I can't...I certainly don't recall "much impalement")
• long sequence of dire urgency with explosive sound (oooooh, scary!)
• explosive startle (ahhhhh!)
• portrayal that being stabbed by an evil being's sword will make the victim evil (surely this metaphor is in Christian favour?)
• many instances of demonic faces/eyes (er....)
• impalement then drowning murder (what, both?!)
• many attacks by evil beings, some (especially one) very, very hideous (not just normal hideous, very very hideous...)
• sorcery to open mountain wall (this is the one I really object to. Nobody "used sorcery" to open the door. They just spoke the password. It was a magical door! The complaint should be "magic mountain wall"

I suppose they're right, in a way, but that doesn't mean I can't find it funny. I do believe that films do influence behavior, and that extreme immorality affects your mindset, and I agree in principle that little people should be protected from things they shouldn't see. But some of these complaints are insane. Tragically, the Godfathers were not reviewed (aw! But perhaps I'll do it myself some time using their system...) but I did manage to find one gem.

Sin City. Ok, so I haven't seen it - probably for the reasons listed - but just take a look at their complaints:

• multiple bullet impacts with blood, splatter and body part loss
• 76 uses of the three/four letter word vocabulary
• stuffing head in toilet with feces to intimidate, twice
• nude woman with appendages hiding gender-specifics
• name calling with "fool" [Matt. 5:22] (this makes me laugh. One of my friends is an R.S. student, and she always tells us that Jesus said not to call people fools...)
• gunfire murder, at least 13 individual plus a multiple, graphic

It's the ordinary wording that makes me laugh. Gender-specifics...

According to Empire Miscellany 3, the only film ever to recieve 100 is Mary Poppins. On that page they claim, "While there were several occurences of "magic," there was nothing evil or sinister about any of the "magic." Mary could have been angelic". Which is strange, considering that she uses her magic for personal gain (transporting lampshades around? Levitating? They got The Little Vampire under levitating, among other things).

If I had the option, I'd sponsor this site - it needs to stay on the web.

One more. So far I've picked on two bound to wind them up. But lets take a look at something more harmless, even pro-faith. How about Signs?

Not happy with just giving it 60/100 on the holiness chart, they actually criticise it as a film as well, which takes some swallowing. Not just because I get irritated by people who dislike it, but because they've got their jobs muddled up.

• child arrogance against father, multiple times, once explosively animated
• child demanding his "vote" outweighs his father's authority
• adult in underwear
• "I hate you. I HATE you" to God (yeah...kinda missing the point here, right?)

Now seriously, if they can only give 50% to a film about a man trying to find faith, what can you give 100 to?!

Don't remind me, the singing nanny...


(a few more classic complaints I couldn't fit in elsewhere:

• body piercing
• bitterly unfair belittlement of mom for not believing her son's story
• a nine year old boy walking the city streets alone
• God's name in vain once with the four letter expletive and three times without
• mooching
• massive tattoos
• rude gaze
• one use of the most foul of the foul words
• Angel Gabriel as a woman (actually, Gabriel was androgenous. But that comes under pansexualism. And if he were male, they'd get him under the same rule as they got satan - being portrayed as a man. So really it should just be "showing Gabriel")
• risking death for love
• plants attacking to kill, repeatedly
• camera angle to force viewer on private parts (clothed) (this is Harry Potter 4. You remember this bit, right?)
• unholy battle as if between the angel Michael and Satan (this claim is opinion only...)
• seeking ill-gotten gain, repeatedly
• statue nudity
• two kids sitting atop an aloft blimp
• punk music in startup background
• minors in survival mode
• notable meanness
• much revelry
• vandalism mischief
• great falls without hitting bottom
• fatal injuries being non-fatal
• series of two pokemons taking turns slapping each other not in jest
• about as much sense as scenes from *The Yellow Submarine* by the Beatles (this is not their area of concern!!)
• child permitted in hardhat construction area
• sadness due to death of an associate
• supernatural mumbo-jumbo
  

Girl dies of watching "Panyther Attack 2" !

I humbly come to you with an apology. After weeks, nay, months (ok, hours...) of searching for a movie background my quest proved fruitless. I found crap ones of films I had seen, and then a few nice ones but only of films I'd never heard of.

Except the Casablanca one.

Yes, I know I should have seen it by now, don't bit my head off - I mean to! I haven't got around to it yet. But I will! Anyway, I couldn't help myself and here it is - my new Casablanca background. Here's looking at you kid...



Now, for the meat of todays article. It is my royal command that you INSTANTLY visit http://www.bad-good.org/.

And laugh yourself to death.

I recommend you check out Shark Attack 3 (the clip is a classic, never mind The Line) and Monsturd. And Troll II is pretty funny too. And once you've read about Troll II, follow the link to the site it suggests and watch the clip there too - I'm such a sucker for crap acting. How do these things get made?! Watch, laugh then run back to Citizen Kane for mind-cleansing.

Last quote: Shu is Mandarin for "yes", "aha", "I know", "I agree", and all other nodding sounds. It appears several times in the film Hero and is one of the only two Mandarin words I know, the other being Fung - wind - which I picked up from House of Flying Daggers.